October 12, 2016 11:28 am.
I had been holding my phone in my hand since a few minutes before 9 am. It finally rang. I looked at my phone in a bit of disbelief. Am I reading this right? This cant be? Is she really calling ME? I hesitantly answer the phone.
Me: Hello?
Misty: Hey, its Misty*, are you busy?
Me: Ummm. No, is everything ok?
Misty: (starts weeping) I just wanted to tell you that we just signed over all of our parental rights.
I froze on the sidewalk, as I stepped out to take the call. Silence, for what felt like minutes but I am sure it was only a few seconds. We had been waiting on this day for a little over 10 months. We had only dreamt about this day. Would this day ever come and when it did we would scream and shout from the roof tops in joy and happiness and the hope for B would be restored! His life could be complete. The only family he knows would be forever.
The happiness didn't come. While the fear of losing him subsided the tears of joy didn't fall.
Numb. Shock. Unsettled. Sadness. Love. Unexplainable feelings took over my heart and mind.
My heart was breaking for the woman on the other end of the phone, for the family that lost their THREE children in that moment. I felt the pain that she must've felt when she signed her name on the line that ceased any and all relationship she had with three children that she carried in her womb.
It's so easy to be mad and please hear me out, I get mad. I get angry. I scream and cry to those that understand every time we have to go to an ER or call 911 or ride in an ambulance. This could have been prevented. B could be healthy. With every needle, test, surgery, adaptive piece of equipment, every trip to the pharmacy, every phone call to insurance, every argument to get something approved I get angry, frustrated and annoyed.
We talked for about 45 minutes, we talked about how birthday's would be different, and how she was ok with not being their mother. We talked about her having a fresh start and how she felt guilty about that. We talked about how she feels like she just lost everything she had to live for but she gave three children a life that she could never provide. She wept. I wept. She thanked me over and over. She said she trust me. She said I was the first person she called because she didn't know what to do. It was time to hang up, to end the call and then
She said "I love you."
I said "I love you too."
In that moment I felt what I think Jesus must feel like when we wrong Him so many times, every day, and then we cry out and said "but I love you Jesus" and no matter what we have done wrong to Him, He always says "I love you, too". I can't explain why I have forgiven two people that have been the creators of such a tragedy. I can't explain. I have no words that would make it easier for you to understand. The forgiveness I have given these two people is not of me. I don't have that strength in me alone.
In the days coming, as the adoption approaches joy and happiness will fill our hearts but yesterday, even more so than today, I felt the pain. I felt the heartache. As I looked into B's eyes, listened to his giggle, snuggled him tight and my other boys, laughed and played, and ran through the house, played in the front yard with the neighbor kids, made me brownies, and we talked about their day, just like everyday, I realized I have something that she will never have.
I have been blessed. I will be forever grateful of this life.
This may not make sense to any of you and that's ok. I don't expect you to understand completely. Its a road that I never ever imagined myself going down, especially so young. I never in a million years that Jeremy and I would be beginning our 4th adoption and have all these boys to love on! God has placed each son in our life in a time we needed them.
After talking with Misty, the departments attorney called to confirm what Misty had already told me and few hours later CPS also called to confirm. Next, we will contact our attorney and start planning an adoption party! CPS said it could be 4-6 more months but we are meeting with CPS, Palliative Care, possibly hospice, B's physicians, case managers and case workers, and attorneys on October 20th and the physicians will request to expedite the adoption process so that we are able to make medical decisions for him.
Speaking of decisions, now its time to name our soon to be son and choose our final fundraiser t-shirt adoption day design!
Thank you for your prayers and we appreciate your continued prayers!
1 comment:
I have just found your blog and note that some more time has elapsed, hoping that in that time, your adoption plans have all worked out and life is on an easier and more even keel. Adopting children is for very special people who I have to admit have my blessings and admiration. Having had five of my own and knowing how hard it can be, rearing your own children, to have the grace and strength to love little and big children as your own is a very special grace given to few and that is why i felt I had to write a bit. I hope your family is happy and healthy and enjoys a full and loving life together... All the best for the future, I shall keep in touch by looking in, from time to time, to see if you have had the time to update... all the best Janzi from the UK
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