Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Have you ever asked yourself...

Have you ever asked yourself "what are you doing with your life?"

I have asked myself so many times in the last several years but God has continuously showed me what His plan is for me. When I start to doubt, I start to pray. He ALWAYS answers. I have struggled with finding myself in the nursing world the last several weeks. I know what I WANT TO DO but I don't think that's an option right now. Thankfully, I have several options and I truly do enjoy so many avenues of nursing that I can do something different, right now.

I have been invited to participate in a medical mission trip to Dominican Republic next year and that is one of the things I wanted to use my nursing license for. So many times during school the idea of serving in a third world country as a nurse motivated me to keep studying, keep trying, and keep pressing forward. I remember doing an assignment  the first week of school talking about my desire to go on a mission trip so I decided to look for it and I came across the whole essay.

Thank you God for your perfect timing of the invitation to serve in a place that is so desperate for care. Thank you for the friend you put in my life years ago that knew I would need this today. Thank you God for giving me a family, most of all a husband, that knows how important a relationship with you is. Thank you God for the reminder of what you created me for...

Tears rolled down my face as Dr. Marks explained,  that this is just a diagnosis and does not determine his life, but my son, Michael has Cerebral Palsy.  “The ambulance is on their way from Cook Children’s Hospital, Jaxon is going to be admitted into the NICU, somethings wrong!” I said with a quiver in my voice. The social worker was shocked when we said “Yes, we still want him, even if he might die soon.” The confidence I heard in my teenage son’s voice when he told me he knew I could be a nurse. This is just a few reasons my heart has been broken and healed so that God would be able to equip my heart and mind to fulfill my calling and His will for my life.
Why do I want to be a nurse? This is my why. Nursing school is hard, this is no surprise to me, I was warned that it wouldn’t be easy. I have five sons at home, my husband is a teacher and coach, working a minimum of 70 hours a week and two of our five boys are special needs. My hands are full and so is my heart. When you are in God’s will for your life, goals are maintainable, mountains aren’t as high, and at the end of the day there is a peace beyond comprehension knowing that you have the strength to do it all over tomorrow. Since school started I have missed my grandmother's funeral, missed my boy’s first day of school and left Cook Children’s in the early morning hours to get back in time for class. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to take but not for the same reasons as most. I don’t care about getting paycheck, although it will be nice to be paid for something you love doing. I want to be a nurse because I know God will use situations in my life to help others. I want to be the listening ear to a mother losing their child to cancer, failed transplant, or their pregnancy ended before the celebration of life. I want to be the gentle hand to teenager facing surgery for the first time or when they get a dreaded diagnosis. I want to be a comforting voice for the daughter who is watching their parent slip away in the final stages of life. I want to bring comfort to those in need, I want to be a small ray of light for that that are only able to see the darkness ahead of them.
Most of my family and close friends have always told me I would be a great nurse and always questioned why I didn’t go to nursing school. There were times in my life I wish I would’ve started sooner but now, four weeks into school I know I wouldn’t have made it during any other time of my life. The difficulty of juggling all the aspects of my life has become my motivation for achieving my goals. My 18 year old son finally pushed me to apply for nursing school this spring and I did, secretly, I didn’t tell anyone because I still wasn’t sure that I would even be accepted. When I told him I applied I could hear the pride in his voice. When I told him I was accepted he reassured me that he already knew I would be accepted. I knew then that my boys would be the driving force I would need to not only start but finish nursing school. My 9 year old son was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy four years ago, my 4 year old was a 32 week preemie and my 2 year old is a medically fragile, traumatic brain injury survivor with 27 different diagnosis. God choose me to be their mom and now He is giving me the opportunity to educate myself and be the best advocate I can for them and if it is in His will, I will be able to be, not only a nurse but an advocate for others as well. I have spent countless nights, as a parent, in several hospitals, between the emergency room, the inpatient pediatric psychiatric floor, the NICU, the operating room, the PICU and the regular floor not to mention the specialist’s offices such as neurologist, pulmonologist, cardiologist, nutritionist, gastroenterologist, palliative care, physical and occupational therapy, and ophthalmology. Before I had children I worked in a retirement home and a long term care facility as a nurse aide. I loved being a nurse aid, knowing that I was making a difference in just one person's life was worth the long shifts and the not so pleasant job duties of an aide. My life has been surrounded by nurses for the last 6-8 years, either professionally or personally. I have met a wide variety of different types of nurses and also met some that made huge impacts in my life, either in a negative way or positive way. Again, God has perfectly orchestrated the timeline of my life so that I could experience what I needed to so that I can become the best nurse I can be. I have learned some valuable lessons from nurses along my journey that I think has prepared me for this career. One son gave me the confidence to start school, my other sons and my incredibly, supportive husband is motivating me to get through school and in the end I will have achieved my goal and the day I graduate with my boys by my side will be one of the most proudest moments of my life. I will become a nurse for me but more importantly I will become a nurse because of them. I will be forever grateful for the confidence that my 18 year old son had in me, the sacrifices that my young children are making now, and for my husband that hasn’t complained one time about dishes in the sink or pizza for the third time this week and has taken on the role of mom and dad.  
My “why” is a bit different than others and that’s what makes the career of nursing so unique, every nurse is different just like every patient. We all have the same goal ahead of us, to graduate from the LVN program, it’s the motivation behind our goal that will separate us and drive some of us to our achievements and others down a different path. The reason for becoming a nurse can vary dramatically but deep down inside a great nurse will always want what is best for someone else, their patient.

If you are a nursing student, nursing is just a dream, an experienced nurse, or a baby nurse, I encourage you to find out your "why" because it puts a new perspective on things and remember to be grateful for where you have been, where you are at now and where you will be next!

If your life has nothing to do with nursing I encourage you to seek God's will, pray and ask God for direction. If you don't know if someone else is praying for you, ask them to pray too. God will answer but you must open to hearing His answer, whatever that may be. (That is the hardest part for me!) 

"Weather you turn to the right or left, you will hear a voice behind you saying "this is the way, walk in it." -Isaiah 30:21