It has been 11 months since I have updated the blog. 11 months ago we had some big heavy decisions to make. Unfortunately the decision we had to keep making just got heavier.
DNR?
Hospice?
Medications?
Funeral songs?
Is this it?
Is it time to call family?
Funeral plans?
Cemetery plot?
Casket choices?
Headstones?
But the most conflicting..
Joy or sorrow?
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34: 17-18
How could I possibly wake up again? How could I possibly smile again? How could I go on a vacation and enjoy the beach again? How could I laugh again?
Jesus. That's how.
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8
Jordan's entire journey from weeks before his adoption until the day he went to be with Jesus was surrounded by a verse. A verse that will forever be my reminder of the life full of joy that he lived. Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1: 2-4
He lacks absolutely nothing and that is how you have joy and sorrow. While we are so full of sorrow here on Earth my heart sings joys for the complete healing of my baby boy. I miss his laugh, his smile, his joy but I wouldn't selfishly ask for him to live another day without Jesus by his side.
The day Jordan met Jesus, the most beautiful horrific day of my entire life. At 5:30 am Jordan woke me up from a quick nap. We had been up for almost 5 days with just little 5-10 minute naps between the Kira and I. I knew that morning that Jordan was going to meet Jesus soon. Kira woke up Jeremy. Jeremy would later go to work and just a few short hours later, the Lord would confirm in Jeremy what He told me that morning. The boys and Jeremy came home from school and slowly our home started filling with our closest friends and family. We got to hold Jordan and we cried and we praised Jesus for His promises and His unwavering love for Jordan. One by one people came from all over the state to be with us as we knew that Jordan was getting closer to Jesus.
Over the next 23 hours 43 people, what later would become "My 43", filled our tiny home. A surplus of food everyone. Fans to cool the house off. Chairs to sit in. Songs to sing. Memories to share. Pictures to show and videos to watch.
Between 4:30 am and 5:00 am on August 17, 2019 Jordan left my arms and was handed into the arms of Jesus, completely healed and healthy for the first time in 3 years, 41 weeks and 3 days he was completely healthy. Can you imagine opening your eyes for the first time in over 3 years and seeing Jesus? What a wonderful sight that must be!
In the last 5 months I have have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Knowing your child is with Jesus is the absolute best feeling I have ever had, I can't even put it into words. I know he is protect for eternity. Touching your child for the very last time is the lowest of lows. This unfortunately, is the reality of life. My 43.
There is an intimate relationship that is formed between people when they experience the lowest of lows together. There is a bond that can not be broken. There are people who were almost strangers, people I only knew of their names, on August 16, 2019 that now are My 43. The 43 people that have literally held our family together since August 17, 2019 and were with us, in our home in Jordan's very last moments. My 43 stood for hours and hours, without a break, they slept in corner on the hardwood floor, they cried tears, they dropped what they were doing and drove across the state, the did our laundry, the cooked us food and cleaned our house. I will be forever grateful for My 43.
I have experienced undeserving grace, given patience beyond belief, we were overwhelmed by the generosity of our community, family, and friends. We haven protected by God because of your prayers. Thank you for loving us.
Today, 5 months and 5 hours ago my son ran into the arms of Jesus.
If you have someone close to you that has experienced the loss of a child please just remain with them. Not the day of, or the week of or the month of, remain with them as long as you can. Friendships we never expected to dissolve have slowly disintegrated over time. It's no ones fault, we understand. Do not feel guilty. Do not even apologize, unless it makes you feel better. It's okay.
If you don't know how to remain with your friends here are some ideas that have helped me get through the days on this horrible journey
- say their son or daughters name
- remember their son or daughters heaven date, every month or year
- make a donation in their son or daughters name
- provide dinner for them (even months after the loss)
- check on them
- don't judge their decisions
- don't assume you would do "it" [grief] this way or that way
- share pictures, videos, memories you have of their son or daughter
- visit and take pictures of their son or daughters grave site
- tell them when you think about their son or daughter
- most importantly, pray for the entire family and tell them when you do
If you are worried about upsetting mom or dad, trust me, you won't. They may cry but that doesn't mean you have "made things worse". That means they miss their son or daughter and they are so relieved to know he or she has not been forgotten.
To those that have remained with us, thank you. To those that have not judged us, thank you. To those that have not received a well deserved, traditional, thank you card, thank you. {sending those cards and ordering the headstone are so finalizing, hence I just can't bring my self to hit the purchase button on my full online cart}
I will wrap up this post my encouraging you to find
JOY in your journey, like Jordan did everyday.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1: 2-4
Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole. {reference from 1 Peter}
Because of our promised future in heaven, Joy and Sorrow can co-exist.
