No clever title...

Nope, no clever title this time. This is raw. This is real. This is our life.

Tonight I am rearranging my 3 year old's room, not to make room for Christmas toys, just to make sure his emergency equipment is more readily available and better accessible. I am watching his monitors to make sure that there are no adverse side effects from the 9 medications that I just pushed through his G-Button. I am emptying out the bags from the hospital stay that we just got back home from, the hospital stay that I thought might be our last hospital visit ever.

I was sitting last night in his hospital room weeping, watching the monitors, watching his chest rise and fall with every breath and screaming "this isn't fair!" and it's not fair, it's not fair that he struggles to do things that we take for granted everyday, like breathing, eating, going to the bathroom, seeing, talking. I get angry. I get furious. I think horrible thoughts about the person, if you want to call it that, that did this to him. Sometimes I stop and pray, sometimes I don't. Last night I didn't and my sweet friend was there sitting with me and asked "Where is your faith?" and I thought for a second and I didn't have an answer, no Sunday school answer, no lie to tell her, nothing. I had nothing.

Where was my faith?

Where was God?

Why did He just allow Jordan to go through 25+ seizures?

Why did He let him get hurt?

Why did he let my friend's son die?

Why doesn't he have a cure for brain injuries?

Why did he choose me to take care of Jordan?

I have never questioned those things before, I KNEW that God had a plan for Jordan and that He had a plan for us. I KNEW that God would give me the strength I needed to take care of him, the strength that his brothers would need, the dedication that Jeremy would need to his family. I KNEW God would provide all that.

So what was different about last night? I still don't know what was different. I know Satan had a hold of me because so many people were lifting us in prayer. Satan doesn't need the weak ones, he wants the strong ones, he wanted me and he had me right where he wanted. I was full of fear and doubt and anger and rage while asking others to pray for us because I was just too tired. Hurting so much, I couldn't even pray.

My sweet friend left and I went to sleep shortly after that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning Jordan woke up smiling, laughing, like he had never even had one seizure.

The doctor made rounds and we discussed the prognosis, the care Jordan would need and the new medications. It was not a fun conversation. Just days before this all happened our AMAZING night nurse told us she would be taking another job. Which we were happy for her but what did that mean for Jordan, especially now? I trusted her and now we have to find a stranger to take care of our sick boy. I posted on Facebook that we would be needing an additional nurse and moments later I got a text from her
     
                "I am not going to take the job in Lawton. Only being able to take care of Jordan on my days off wont be enough. I'll still miss him" and later on "...I know I won't enjoy working anywhere as much as I enjoy working with Jordan"

She decline a sign on bonus, shorter drive, and more pay.

There was God.
       
Next I get a text from a fairly "new" friend, back in Nocona, we aren't THAT close but we are very similar and she knows my heart which goes a long way and is so important to me. She asked if I had a few minutes to talk and after I got a shower I went down for breakfast and called her. She asked what we needed and then she prayed for me. She prayed for my heart and for strength and for the fear to be gone. She prayed for everything I was lacking.

There was God.

I got back to Jordan's room and was cleaning up and packing our stuff up. There was a knock on the door. In walks a lady with two pillow in her hand. She say's "I am the pillow fairy and I want to give Jordan a pillow!" This may not seem like a big deal, its just a pillow, right? Wrong. Sunday afternoon before he started having his seizures I was washing his "Cook pillows". Cook pillow are hand sewn pillow cases with the PERFECT size pillow inside that fits perfectly between his legs when we have to reposition him at night. I have never found these kind of pillows in the store. When I pulled the pillow out of the case to wash it, it just came out in pieces. Our Cook pillow was no longer useable. Last night I told my friend "I really wish we could get one of those awesome pillows they give out to patients sometimes."

There was God.

Twenty minutes later my phone rings, it was that precious friend from Nocona. She was calling to get my address and let me know that that she made some phone calls and people throughout the school district had volunteered to bring us meals for the next several days. What she doesn't even know is that the next several days we don't have nurses and Jordan requires constant supervision for the next couple of weeks, I really wasn't sure how I was going to even cook dinner if it was a game night and there would only be one of us at home.

There was God.

A few minutes later another knock on the door. A volunteer walks in and behind her THE MAN IN THE BIG RED SUIT, it was Santa! Santa came over to Jordan's bed and Jordan reached up held on to the white fur cuff of his suit. I sobbed. I looked at Santa and looked at Jordan and I couldn't help but think "what if this is his last Christmas". That's the reality of this life. That is OUR reality. Santa came over to me and gave me a big hug and prayed for me and whispered "Santa knows your need prayers for Christmas".

There was God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still don't have the answer to why God allows bad things happen. I don't know why he took my friends baby boy. I don't know why He thinks that Jeremy and I are capable of taking care of Jordan. I do know that He never left me in those dark moments yesterday and His promises are true and He will ALWAYS WIN!

I don't know how many more Christmases we will have Jordan or how many more times he will see Santa. We don't know if we should take him to all the Christmas celebrations incase it is the last one or if we should keep all stress to a minimum. No one knows the answer. Today we will just be happy for today and then we will do it all over again tomorrow and the next day.

Thank you to those that helped me find my faith when I couldn't see and prayed for me when I couldn't speak. Thank you Jesus for showing up big today and opening my heart to receive.

Love on someone today. Someone needs YOU and you probably don't even know it.

Have you ever asked yourself...

Have you ever asked yourself "what are you doing with your life?"

I have asked myself so many times in the last several years but God has continuously showed me what His plan is for me. When I start to doubt, I start to pray. He ALWAYS answers. I have struggled with finding myself in the nursing world the last several weeks. I know what I WANT TO DO but I don't think that's an option right now. Thankfully, I have several options and I truly do enjoy so many avenues of nursing that I can do something different, right now.

I have been invited to participate in a medical mission trip to Dominican Republic next year and that is one of the things I wanted to use my nursing license for. So many times during school the idea of serving in a third world country as a nurse motivated me to keep studying, keep trying, and keep pressing forward. I remember doing an assignment  the first week of school talking about my desire to go on a mission trip so I decided to look for it and I came across the whole essay.

Thank you God for your perfect timing of the invitation to serve in a place that is so desperate for care. Thank you for the friend you put in my life years ago that knew I would need this today. Thank you God for giving me a family, most of all a husband, that knows how important a relationship with you is. Thank you God for the reminder of what you created me for...

Tears rolled down my face as Dr. Marks explained,  that this is just a diagnosis and does not determine his life, but my son, Michael has Cerebral Palsy.  “The ambulance is on their way from Cook Children’s Hospital, Jaxon is going to be admitted into the NICU, somethings wrong!” I said with a quiver in my voice. The social worker was shocked when we said “Yes, we still want him, even if he might die soon.” The confidence I heard in my teenage son’s voice when he told me he knew I could be a nurse. This is just a few reasons my heart has been broken and healed so that God would be able to equip my heart and mind to fulfill my calling and His will for my life.

Why do I want to be a nurse? This is my why. Nursing school is hard, this is no surprise to me, I was warned that it wouldn’t be easy. I have five sons at home, my husband is a teacher and coach, working a minimum of 70 hours a week and two of our five boys are special needs. My hands are full and so is my heart. When you are in God’s will for your life, goals are maintainable, mountains aren’t as high, and at the end of the day there is a peace beyond comprehension knowing that you have the strength to do it all over tomorrow. Since school started I have missed my grandmother's funeral, missed my boy’s first day of school and left Cook Children’s in the early morning hours to get back in time for class. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to take but not for the same reasons as most. I don’t care about getting paycheck, although it will be nice to be paid for something you love doing. I want to be a nurse because I know God will use situations in my life to help others. I want to be the listening ear to a mother losing their child to cancer, failed transplant, or their pregnancy ended before the celebration of life. I want to be the gentle hand to teenager facing surgery for the first time or when they get a dreaded diagnosis. I want to be a comforting voice for the daughter who is watching their parent slip away in the final stages of life. I want to bring comfort to those in need, I want to be a small ray of light for that that are only able to see the darkness ahead of them.

Most of my family and close friends have always told me I would be a great nurse and always questioned why I didn’t go to nursing school. There were times in my life I wish I would’ve started sooner but now, four weeks into school I know I wouldn’t have made it during any other time of my life. The difficulty of juggling all the aspects of my life has become my motivation for achieving my goals. My 18 year old son finally pushed me to apply for nursing school this spring and I did, secretly, I didn’t tell anyone because I still wasn’t sure that I would even be accepted. When I told him I applied I could hear the pride in his voice. When I told him I was accepted he reassured me that he already knew I would be accepted. I knew then that my boys would be the driving force I would need to not only start but finish nursing school. My 9 year old son was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy four years ago, my 4 year old was a 32 week preemie and my 2 year old is a medically fragile, traumatic brain injury survivor with 27 different diagnosis. God choose me to be their mom and now He is giving me the opportunity to educate myself and be the best advocate I can for them and if it is in His will, I will be able to be, not only a nurse but an advocate for others as well. I have spent countless nights, as a parent, in several hospitals, between the emergency room, the inpatient pediatric psychiatric floor, the NICU, the operating room, the PICU and the regular floor not to mention the specialist’s offices such as neurologist, pulmonologist, cardiologist, nutritionist, gastroenterologist, palliative care, physical and occupational therapy, and ophthalmology. Before I had children I worked in a retirement home and a long term care facility as a nurse aide. I loved being a nurse aid, knowing that I was making a difference in just one person's life was worth the long shifts and the not so pleasant job duties of an aide. My life has been surrounded by nurses for the last 6-8 years, either professionally or personally. I have met a wide variety of different types of nurses and also met some that made huge impacts in my life, either in a negative way or positive way. Again, God has perfectly orchestrated the timeline of my life so that I could experience what I needed to so that I can become the best nurse I can be. I have learned some valuable lessons from nurses along my journey that I think has prepared me for this career. One son gave me the confidence to start school, my other sons and my incredibly, supportive husband is motivating me to get through school and in the end I will have achieved my goal and the day I graduate with my boys by my side will be one of the most proudest moments of my life. I will become a nurse for me but more importantly I will become a nurse because of them. I will be forever grateful for the confidence that my 18 year old son had in me, the sacrifices that my young children are making now, and for my husband that hasn’t complained one time about dishes in the sink or pizza for the third time this week and has taken on the role of mom and dad.  

My “why” is a bit different than others and that’s what makes the career of nursing so unique, every nurse is different just like every patient. We all have the same goal ahead of us, to graduate from the LVN program, it’s the motivation behind our goal that will separate us and drive some of us to our achievements and others down a different path. The reason for becoming a nurse can vary dramatically but deep down inside a great nurse will always want what is best for someone else, their patient.

If you are a nursing student, nursing is just a dream, an experienced nurse, or a baby nurse, I encourage you to find out your "why" because it puts a new perspective on things and remember to be grateful for where you have been, where you are at now and where you will be next!

If your life has nothing to do with nursing I encourage you to seek God's will, pray and ask God for direction. If you don't know if someone else is praying for you, ask them to pray too. God will answer but you must open to hearing His answer, whatever that may be. (That is the hardest part for me!) 

"Weather you turn to the right or left, you will hear a voice behind you saying "this is the way, walk in it." -Isaiah 30:21 

Changing out our wardrobe for a new season!

When the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you don't know how much more you can take. It happens. You lose it. Gone. Patience, sanity, rational thoughts, everything, you lose it all! Breath. It's ok. You will make it. You will be ok.

Just when you think you can't go on anymore someone will come along and pick you up. It may be the person you least expect to, it may be your go to person. Just don't go through it alone. Find that person, hang on to them, and most importantly appreciate them.

Life is full of ups and downs, mine especially. I am never sure what my life will hold from day to day. I am thankful that I have an extraordinary support system. My kids keep me going everyday, they are my motivation for life. I often look at pictures of them and I am shocked that God has given me the responsibility to take care of all of these boys but what an honor. I am so grateful for all of them, for the people that have prayed for me to make it through our hospital stays, long days of nursing school, ARD meetings, baseball, football, and then life in general. I have LOST IT more times than I would like to admit.

This month has been hard. This year has been the hardest year that I have been through.

In January, Jordan's health started to decline and recently we have received a discouraging report from Jordan's neurologist. Without going into much detail we are celebrating every day, week, month we have with Jordan and he will continue to write his own story. We made it through February with one hospitalization after Jordan had a neurological event and left him non-responsive. A week prior I was hospitalized for kidney stones and a refluxed kidney. In March, Michael started a series of Neuro-Psych testing at Cook Children's which did not reveal anything that we didn't already know. April Jordan ended up in the hospital again. May we finished off baseball season deep in to the playoffs and I spend 2 weeks in Europe (which warrants a complete blog post in its own!). June I started my last semester of nursing school and then end of June we had some major unexpected changes.

June 27, the athletic director from Nocona ISD called Jeremy and they visited for a while and discussed the options of Jeremy becoming the Head Baseball Coach for the Indians. On Friday the 29th, Jeremy went for an interview and was offered the job. We searched for a house, found one, and signed the papers, in fear we would lose the ONE housing option we had in this small Texas town.
Saturday June 30th Jeremy resigned from Iowa Park CISD and accepted the position at Nocona.

I cried. A lot. Every day. Actually, I still cry.

Then Monday July 2nd, we lost our house. The landlord said we had "too many kids" which he knew how many we had when we filled out the paperwork so I am not sure why he changed his mind. Said it was a law.. however, its not, I did my research, because we NEEDED that house. So we frantically tried finding another one, which we did. It is much smaller but we are making it work. I thought losing that house was God's way of answering my prayer to close the door to Nocona. I did not want to leave Iowa Park. But I was wrong. We found our current house a few days later, signed the papers, and Jeremy and the boys moved in a week later.

Jordan took a downhill turn, was care flighted to Cook Children's and spent four days in the hospital.

Jordan and I stayed in Iowa Park while I finished nursing school and then we joined the rest of the family 2 weeks ago. The move to Nocona has been the most difficult move we have ever been through in our coaching life. I have learned to lean on God completely in this area of my life. My joy was gone, my happiness was gone, I didn't want to be here, I wanted to go home {to Iowa Park} but God wants me with my family and if my family is here, then here I am. Making friends has always been pretty easy for me, not this time. My heart is bitter and aching and I am praying every single day that it will be broken for whatever reason God wants us here in Nocona. I will serve. I will give. I will do whatever I need to do to be a vessel used by God in a place that selfishly I don't want to be but if I can be used by God I will forever be thankful for Nocona, Texas. My daily prayer is that we can be used for a greater purpose here and that I grow to love Nocona like I have loved Iowa Park.

We have found a great church in Bowie that we all look forward to going to and are anxious to get our hands dirty and start serving on some of their amazing ministry teams (like Ronald McDonald house, yeaahh!).

Praying for a break. A break through. A change of heart as we change out our wardrobe from Iowa Park green to Nocona orange! I will praise Him in this storm. For He is who he is, no matter where I am.

And somewhere in all of that I graduated nursing school and now I am waiting to take my state board exams, which should be coming up soon! I am catching up on the last year that I have been MIA and enjoying late night Netflix movies, dinner with the boys, signing folders, and doing laundry. Oh!, and we have a Dairy Queen, so I have had a few Reese's Blizzards too!

So that wraps up our year so far in a nutshell and we're looking forward to a new beginning! Be strong because things will get better, it may be stormy now but the rain won't last forever.