I've been wrestling with words for days, trying to articulate my thoughts, actions, and emotions. It's been a mental battle of whether to speak up or stay silent, and how to release myself from the grip of a situation that doesn't deserve my time or energy. Few things irk me as much as having my integrity questioned.
Last night, while reviewing numbers for future grant proposals, it dawned on me: I don't have to fight this battle alone. The war is already won. My worth isn't tied to others' opinions of me. I've often reminded others of this truth, even my own children, yet struggled to believe it for myself. If you're grappling with a similar battle, hear this: "GOD HAS ALREADY WON THE WAR!" That doesn't mean we can simply quit mid-battle, but it's a powerful reminder that the outcome is assured.
Do these reminders always come at the right time? Not necessarily. In fact, I could have used this reassurance three months ago, sparing myself many difficult days.
While many may perceive my life as chaotic, it's actually structured to manage the chaos. However, when one aspect falls into disarray, it impacts every other facet. I always understood this conceptually, but recent events drove it home in a profound way.
As some of you may know from following my journey, I embarked on a nursing position at Hospice of Wichita Falls, a dream fulfilled. But what I hadn't anticipated was the psychological toll of caring for terminally ill patients. Despite my initial readiness, the reality proved overwhelming.
In a matter of weeks, life threw multiple curveballs: my daughter started school with a new nurse, my husband was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, my son faced health complications requiring surgery, and illness struck our household. Amidst this turmoil, I found myself confronting PTSD-like episodes triggered by the sight of morphine vials, reminiscent of past traumas. The dream job rapidly morphed into a nightmare.
Yet, amidst the chaos, there were moments of clarity. My supervisor's empathy, my husband's unwavering support—they provided a lifeline. With their encouragement, I made the difficult decision to step away from hospice care, recognizing that my well-being mattered.
Less than 24 hours later, an unexpected opportunity arose: teaching nursing classes at Vernon College. Despite reservations, I embraced this new path—and found fulfillment beyond expectation.
God has won the war.
In hindsight, I see divine intervention weaving through the chaos. With my family's health restored and a job I love, I've reclaimed a sense of peace. I can tackle household chores, set boundaries, and prioritize self-care.
Moreover, Jeremy and I are channeling our grief into something positive: establishing a nonprofit in our son's memory, the Joy Project Network. It's a testament to the joy he brought into our lives and a commitment to preserving his legacy.
God has won the war.
I'm reminded that amidst life's uncertainties, He will not forsake us. It's in letting go of what no longer serves us and embracing new beginnings. As I navigate this journey, I hold onto the truth that the war is already won, bringing solace amidst the chaos.
"I know how this story ends..." -Shane and Shane
For more information about Joy Project Network, please visit our Facebook page.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or thoughts of suicide or harming yourself, call or text: 988.
