Today marks 4 years since our sweet Jordan met Jesus face to face.
I knew the pain wouldn't go away but I didn't know it would get worse.
Losing a child and then having more children is such a complex situation. Grief in general is complex. Hope and joy radiate through Jett and Maddie Jo, also known as "The Littles" just like I remember it radiating through Jordan. They make me smile every single day. They don't know the pain that the rest of us have. Did God know that we would need them so much? Did God know that I would think I could not get out of bed, nor would I want to wake up, every single day and live in this hell, if I didn't have all my other children. He must have known. He must've known this pain that I would suffer. He must know the complex pain of a bereaved parent, or does He?
Pastor Justin said "God wants all of us"..so the good, the bad, the ugly, the mad, the happy, the sad all of us. Thank goodness. Grieving your child brings it all out, right under the spotlight. Somedays, I can work. Somedays, I am numb. Somedays, like today, I am so angry. Life shouldn't be this way. I cried on the way to work, on the way to lunch, at work, and when I got home from work. I am sure I'll end up in the shower crying before the night is over, and that my friends, is the raw reality of grief.
As we move on to new schools, new jobs, new communities, the harder it seems to be getting. The more people we know and the less people that know Jordan. I know he's not forgotten but my gosh it hurts when people don't acknowledge him. It's not their fault. People don't know what to say. People don't know what to do. I wish I didn't. If you're reading this and you don't know. Say their name. Acknowledge them. Remember your friend. Make your friend dinner. Text them. Call them. Anything. Just don't leave them alone, unless they want to be alone. Also, know that we don't know what we want. I told you it's complex. Let's add one more layer to the complexity they look strikingly similar. They even have the same shoes on in this picture.
Jett and Maddie Jo came into our lives shortly after Jordan went to heaven. They are the most beautiful babies I could ever ask for. To answer my own question above, He did know. He knew we would need them. Even when we said no. He said Yes. We said No. And He wrapped them up perfectly, complete with an extra chromosome for some flair and gave us the most precious gift anyone could ask for.
We adopted Maddie Jo on May 18, 2021 (via Zoom, thanks Covid) and Jett on December 15, 2022.
We are adjusted to having two littles in the house and it's like they have always been here. I wouldn't change anything, maybe Maddie Jo's sleeping habits but that's about it. Despite our very hard days and the pain that never subsides, I try really hard to smile. Check on your friends that are not smiling and really check on the ones that are.
Through the grief, joy, pain, and hope life has given me, I cling to the promise of God, it's not easy. I feel like I am hanging from a 10-story building with blister-covered hands griping a frayed rope but I try to hold on for the ones that still need me here, for the ones that call me mama, for the ones I still get to hold and the ones that still cry for their baby brother. I will hold on. I will find joy in the journey.... somehow.... but it so so hard some days... just like today.
The pain is unreal, friends. There are no words descriptive enough to accurately illustrate the pain. If you have spent any time with me the last two and half weeks I am sure you have felt the heaviness I have been carrying. Thank you for loving me through it. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for checking on me. Thank you for the grace you have extended. Thank you for the cards. Thank you for the food. Thank you for the phone calls. You know who you are.
I started writing this on August 17, 2023, when grief waves took me under and nearly drowned me. Today, is August 18, 2023 and I woke up. I made it another year without him but not without screaming into a towel in the bottom of the shower while I was completely clothed, and not without my sister having to set my fresh clothes out on the bed for me and make sure my babies were fed, and not without medication, and not without chest pains, and not without episodes of zoning out and loss of memory, and not without a sweet friend bringing dinner over, not without the cards and calls of encouragement. I made it another year, but not without help. I am so thankful for you that helped. Thank you Macy, Megan, Michelle, Kira, Kimberly, Amber, Angela, Hannah, Jeanne, Krista and Jaime for getting me through one more year. I hope I remembered everyone that remembered us and our sweet boy yesterday.
If you or someone you know has lost a child from birth-99 please consider joining While We're Waiting-Support for Bereaved Parents. It is a Christian-based non-profit that provides support, care, prayers, and love needed to navigate this unpaved, unmarked, treacherous road that we are walking as grieving parents. You can find more information at www.whilewerewaiting.org
