I often write about my boys, my students, my husband, our futures, our moves, medical updates, our team, and everyone else. I have had it on my heart for several months to make myself a person that I want to be. How much more vulnerable can I be, right? I know, yikes!
There is always people in our lives that make us see our true value, that make us believe in ourselves and if were not careful we miss those valuable people, we miss those lessons, we miss those words that are true and meant to make a difference in our lives. It's easy to ignore those subtle encouraging comments but take heed and believe what those that love you are speaking over you. It's hard, I know, it has taken me YEARS and there's only a couple of people that I love without borders and trust their words without apprehension. When you find that person or those people hold on to them, they love you and God orchestrated those relationships with precise meaning and purpose. If you are my person, you know it, so thank you, again.
Wife. Coach's wife. Mom of {I don't keep count anymore} Taxi Driver. Care Taker. Medical Bill Payer. Insurance Expert. Cook. Cleaner. Hiney Wiper. Therapy Scheduler. Supply Orderer. Nurse Interviewer. Homework signer. Bed Maker. Note Writer. Hug giver. Kiss receiver. Listener. Teacher. Counselor. Referee. Blogger. Game Watcher.
Nursing Student 2017
Europe Bound 2018
Yep, I am doing it for me because I deserve it. Because someone has taken the time to make me believe in myself. Because I have supported my husband to make his dreams come true and now he wants to support me to make my dreams come true. Because becoming who God has called me to be should be a priority. Because I can. Because of my boys. Because dreams do come true. Because I love without borders. That is my "because, what is your "because"?
I tell someone who I love dearly to "choose you" constantly and its such a simple phrase, a simple task, but why is it so hard for most of us?
I'm ordering books and getting my passport! Nursing school starts in August and I am Europe bound in 2018 (hopefully March if not August) to see my boys!
So with that being said so many people are asking more questions about Jordan and his history and why he is "like he is". Many adoptive parents refrain from telling their child's foster/adoption story because it's their story to tell and while that is so true I feel like its only fair to spread awareness and share his story with those that are praying daily for him, those that have donated time, money, items, oils, clothes, medical supplies and so much more to our family. If you are reading this and are an adoptive parent please know that I am not judging for not sharing your child's story. Jordan's Journey has become a part of so many peoples lives all across the world that we just want to be transparent in the journey. Thank you for supporting Jordan's Journey!
So...how did we get here? Well you can read the last entry to catch up but I will give a little more detail now that everything is final.
November 11, 2015
The unthinkable happened. Jordan suffered abuse at the hands of someone that is supposed to love and care about him more than anyone on this earth. Medical reports show that Jordan had 7 broken ribs and traumatic brain injury, TBI. He was officially diagnoses with Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy, HIE, which in laymen's terms means his oxygen was cut off causing brain damage, more than likely being smothered or suffocated. Deep breath. Child abuse is real. Child abuse doesn't only happen to big kids or teenagers when their parents taking discipline to a different level. Child abuse happens to babies, to innocent 12 week old babies too. Paramedics resuscitated Jordan 2 times and again at the hospital. He was in the ICU for almost 4 weeks, during that 4 weeks we were told he most likely wasn't going to get out of the hospital. EVER. We mourned his death in a way. We had only told our closest family about him as we were unsure if we would definitely have the chance to love his baby. I remember getting the phone call and calling my best friend, she reminded me after the adoption that she remembered that day and I told her "I want THAT baby, he is mine!" and we began praying for him from that day on. Little did we know the next week the hospital would call and ask if we would still be willing to take him. We of course said yes. I told you I would be transparent, remember? I thought to myself, are we going to bring this baby home and wait for him to die? Is he going to die? What will that do to my kids? Where will we burry him, since he will be award of the state? Did I really just say yes? More prayers. More tears and a trip to Walmart to buy a car seat and diapers. I walked in his hospital room, signed papers and the nurse briefly told me he has controlled seizures and we think he might have some vision loss. And just like that I packed him up and brought him home. This is the first picture we took of him, just a few minutes after leaving the hospital on December 2, 2015.
The next 14 months were full of ups and down. Full of meetings with teams of doctors, ER visits, close calls, ambulance rides, 911 calls, fights with CPS, investigations over and over, caseworks, case managers, court hearing, heated discussions with attorneys and lots and lots of prayers, tears were a regular thing in our house, either from Jordan or me. We learned a lot over the last 14 months. My boys learned to be flexible, they learned that we don't take one day for granted. They learned that when we pray God hears us. They learned that hospitals are a place we go to get better and that daddy does in fact know how to cook supper and can sign homework. We learned our love for each other is more than we could ever imagine. We learned that we are a team, if one of us is having a bad day they others pick up more of the work. I learned that my husband is incredible, my sons are the most amazing boys I have ever met. I learned they are selfless, they don't question when I will be home during long hospital stays but repeatedly tell me they love me and cant wait until Jordan is better. I learned who our true friends our, the ones that will keep our other boys in the middle of the night, or take off days of work to make it our big day, ones that will jump right in and fix whatever is wrong. I learned what family I can count on in a moments notice, I learned who to call when I need to cry on the way to the ER or to keep me awake following the ambulance. Most importantly I learned the strength that God gives me. Often times people ask "how do you do it?" and my reply is always the same, its not of my strength but of God's. Our family worried a lot about us being so young and taking on so much but I can honestly say God gives us the strength to do this, we don't do this life on our own. We are protected by Him. We are renewed by Him. We are loved by Him. Forever.
For now, he is fed by a G-tube, he is blind, he can not roll over, sit up or crawl. He can smile and laugh and it is glorious. He chokes on his secretions and requires suctioning. He is not able to have bowel movements on his own and we have to occasionally use a catheter to drain his bladder however we haven't done that since December! He has amazing hearing and we do believe he can see light/shadows. He wears a pulse oximeter that measures his heart rate and oxygen level and requires oxygen occasionally. He also has an apnea monitor but hasn't had an apnea episode in 3 weeks. He is immuno-compromised so you may see him with a tiny hospital mask on his face, especially in public and during cold/flu/RSV season. A simple cold will land him in the hospital with pneumonia in a matter of 24 hours. He takes 4 meds 3 times a day, breathing treatments and an inhaler, which isn't to bad for a baby with his difficulties. We spend a lot of time in the hospital.
Today, Jordan is well. Tomorrow may be a different story. He was approved today for 24 hour nursing care, which helps us so much. Many people ask us about his prognosis so here it is: Jordan will write his own story. He is on Palliative care right now, that simply means that if and when we need hospice we will transition very easily over to hospice with the same team of doctors. It also means during the time we have with him this team of doctors will stand by us and celebrate every victory and give us hope for the days, weeks and months to come. His team of doctors have told us that children with the level of brain damage he has don't usually walk or talk. Jordan will write his own story. He can say "mama" and "love you". Children with his level of damage suffer the most because his organ systems will slowly start shutting down the older he gets and his life expectancy is drastically shorter than my healthy kids. Jordan will write his own story. Forever.
Thank you all for praying and supporting us along this journey. The journey is just beginning,
as the days grow longer, milestones, achievements, setbacks come and go we will
"Even when the jury and judge say you have a right to hold a grudge..." -Matthew West
October 12, 2016 11:28 am.
I had been holding my phone in my hand since a few minutes before 9 am. It finally rang. I looked at my phone in a bit of disbelief. Am I reading this right? This cant be? Is she really calling ME? I hesitantly answer the phone.
Me: Hello?
Misty: Hey, its Misty*, are you busy?
Me: Ummm. No, is everything ok?
Misty: (starts weeping) I just wanted to tell you that we just signed over all of our parental rights.
I froze on the sidewalk, as I stepped out to take the call. Silence, for what felt like minutes but I am sure it was only a few seconds. We had been waiting on this day for a little over 10 months. We had only dreamt about this day. Would this day ever come and when it did we would scream and shout from the roof tops in joy and happiness and the hope for B would be restored! His life could be complete. The only family he knows would be forever.
The happiness didn't come. While the fear of losing him subsided the tears of joy didn't fall.
Numb. Shock. Unsettled. Sadness. Love. Unexplainable feelings took over my heart and mind.
My heart was breaking for the woman on the other end of the phone, for the family that lost their THREE children in that moment. I felt the pain that she must've felt when she signed her name on the line that ceased any and all relationship she had with three children that she carried in her womb.
It's so easy to be mad and please hear me out, I get mad. I get angry. I scream and cry to those that understand every time we have to go to an ER or call 911 or ride in an ambulance. This could have been prevented. B could be healthy. With every needle, test, surgery, adaptive piece of equipment, every trip to the pharmacy, every phone call to insurance, every argument to get something approved I get angry, frustrated and annoyed.
We talked for about 45 minutes, we talked about how birthday's would be different, and how she was ok with not being their mother. We talked about her having a fresh start and how she felt guilty about that. We talked about how she feels like she just lost everything she had to live for but she gave three children a life that she could never provide. She wept. I wept. She thanked me over and over. She said she trust me. She said I was the first person she called because she didn't know what to do. It was time to hang up, to end the call and then
She said "I love you."
I said "I love you too."
In that moment I felt what I think Jesus must feel like when we wrong Him so many times, every day, and then we cry out and said "but I love you Jesus" and no matter what we have done wrong to Him, He always says "I love you, too". I can't explain why I have forgiven two people that have been the creators of such a tragedy. I can't explain. I have no words that would make it easier for you to understand. The forgiveness I have given these two people is not of me. I don't have that strength in me alone.
In the days coming, as the adoption approaches joy and happiness will fill our hearts but yesterday, even more so than today, I felt the pain. I felt the heartache. As I looked into B's eyes, listened to his giggle, snuggled him tight and my other boys, laughed and played, and ran through the house, played in the front yard with the neighbor kids, made me brownies, and we talked about their day, just like everyday, I realized I have something that she will never have.
I have been blessed. I will be forever grateful of this life.
This may not make sense to any of you and that's ok. I don't expect you to understand completely. Its a road that I never ever imagined myself going down, especially so young. I never in a million years that Jeremy and I would be beginning our 4th adoption and have all these boys to love on! God has placed each son in our life in a time we needed them.
After talking with Misty, the departments attorney called to confirm what Misty had already told me and few hours later CPS also called to confirm. Next, we will contact our attorney and start planning an adoption party! CPS said it could be 4-6 more months but we are meeting with CPS, Palliative Care, possibly hospice, B's physicians, case managers and case workers, and attorneys on October 20th and the physicians will request to expedite the adoption process so that we are able to make medical decisions for him.
Speaking of decisions, now its time to name our soon to be son and choose our final fundraiser t-shirt adoption day design!
Thank you for your prayers and we appreciate your continued prayers!
