Broken. Love. Forgive. Healed.

"Even when the jury and judge say you have a right to hold a grudge..." -Matthew West

October 12, 2016 11:28 am.

I had been holding my phone in my hand since a few minutes before 9 am. It finally rang. I looked at my phone in a bit of disbelief. Am I reading this right? This cant be? Is she really calling ME? I hesitantly answer the phone.

Me: Hello?

Misty: Hey, its Misty*, are you busy?

Me: Ummm. No, is everything ok?

Misty: (starts weeping) I just wanted to tell you that we just signed over all of our parental rights.

I froze on the sidewalk, as I stepped out to take the call. Silence, for what felt like minutes but I am sure it was only a few seconds. We had been waiting on this day for a little over 10 months. We had only dreamt about this day. Would this day ever come and when it did we would scream and shout from the roof tops in joy and happiness and the hope for B would be restored! His life could be complete. The only family he knows would be forever.

The happiness didn't come. While the fear of losing him subsided the tears of joy didn't fall.

Numb. Shock. Unsettled. Sadness. Love. Unexplainable feelings took over my heart and mind.

My heart was breaking for the woman on the other end of the phone, for the family that lost their THREE children in that moment. I felt the pain that she must've felt when she signed her name on the line that ceased any and all relationship she had with three children that she carried in her womb.

It's so easy to be mad and please hear me out, I get mad. I get angry. I scream and cry to those that understand every time we have to go to an ER or call 911 or ride in an ambulance. This could have been prevented. B could be healthy. With every needle, test, surgery, adaptive piece of equipment, every trip to the pharmacy, every phone call to insurance, every argument to get something approved I get angry, frustrated and annoyed.

We talked for about 45 minutes, we talked about how birthday's would be different, and how she was ok with not being their mother. We talked about her having a fresh start and how she felt guilty about that. We talked about how she feels like she just lost everything she had to live for but she gave three children a life that she could never provide. She wept. I wept. She thanked me over and over. She said she trust me. She said I was the first person she called because she didn't know what to do. It was time to hang up, to end the call and then

She said "I love you."

I said "I love you too."

In that moment I felt what I think Jesus must feel like when we wrong Him so many times, every day, and then we cry out and said "but I love you Jesus" and no matter what we have done wrong to Him, He always says "I love you, too". I can't explain why I have forgiven two people that have been the creators of such a tragedy. I can't explain. I have no words that would make it easier for you to understand. The forgiveness I have given these two people is not of me. I don't have that strength in me alone.

In the days coming, as the adoption approaches joy and happiness will fill our hearts but yesterday, even more so than today, I felt the pain. I felt the heartache. As I looked into B's eyes, listened to his giggle, snuggled him tight and my other boys, laughed and played, and ran through the house, played in the front yard with the neighbor kids, made me brownies, and we talked about their day, just like everyday, I realized I have something that she will never have. 

I have been blessed. I will be forever grateful of this life.

This may not make sense to any of you and that's ok. I don't expect you to understand completely. Its a road that I never ever imagined myself going down, especially so young. I never in a million years that Jeremy and I would be beginning our 4th adoption and have all these boys to love on! God has placed each son in our life in a time we needed them.

After talking with Misty, the departments attorney called to confirm what Misty had already told me and few hours later CPS also called to confirm. Next, we will contact our attorney and start planning an adoption party! CPS said it could be 4-6 more months but we are meeting with CPS, Palliative Care, possibly hospice, B's physicians, case managers and case workers, and attorneys on October 20th and the physicians will request to expedite the adoption process so that we are able to make medical decisions for him.

Speaking of decisions, now its time to name our soon to be son and choose our final fundraiser t-shirt adoption day design!

Thank you for your prayers and we appreciate your continued prayers!

The Boys that make up MY team!

I'm not even sure what to think today.

Jax, Jacob and Bryan and I had a wonderful day, we went and got pizza, movies, ice cream, and laughed and played.

Biscuit and Jeremy are stranded in a bus on the side of the road because their bus broke down. I can't go get them because I have a flat tire. Helpless, I feel. And still waiting on them to return home safely.

Larry is struggling with life changes. Adulting isn't that fun all the time. As much as the mom in me worries I know he will make us proud and come out on top!

Tomorrow is the big day. Will Bryan biological parents relinquish their rights as parents to Bryan. Will he Be ours soon or will there be fight? What is going to happen? Will the girls have a chance at a normal life and a chance to know their brother?

Jacob is the most amazing big brother to the boys. He is so happy all the time, he has no complaints. He helps with Bryan so much and Jaxon absolutely adores him... all day while at school, Jaxon ask for him continuously.

Michael and Jay are doing so well in school. We haven't been blessed with a supportive school as a whole ever and now we have that. Jay is growing up, he is becoming more independent and mature by the day. Michael is taking piano and thriving with it, I hope we have found something for him to succeed with!

I'm a bit overwhelmed with emotions. How did I get to be so lucky! How is that I have 6 boys living in my house that I get to call son {tonight} and they all love each other and they all love me!? Who am I to deserve this life?

I've held Bryan tonight a little tighter and a little longer knowing that tomorrow his future is unknown, it's out of my hands. While Jaxon is playing on PS in Jacobs room. Jacob went out for a run. Michael, Jay and I sat down and had supper together. And everyone is happy. Under our roof they all support each other, weather it's football games, straight A's, adjusting to America, starting a feeding pump, pushing a wheelchair, piano lessons or who has the most kill on COD tonight.

After the boys go to bed, I rock Bryan for a bit, holding his hands and kissing his fingers. Combing through his thick black hair. Staring at his gummy grin that shines so much hope and love. Jaxon climbs up in my lap and I cover him up, looking at his freckles remembering the miracle he is and I turn to look toward the kitchen and there sits a 17 year old boy at the dining room table. I don't know what he's doing, it doesn't matter. A 17 year old boy that was a stranger 6 weeks ago from across the world who has became a helpful, patient big brother and kind, respectful addition to our family! He takes out the trash without being told, grabs the wheelchair from the back anytime we unload the car, he's even learned how to hold a baby, a medically fragile baby at that! Never once has complained about the noise or obnoxiousness of have 5 little brothers! He's eager to participate with our family and we could be happier!

And for Jeremy, he works so hard for us, I don't really understand the work he puts in day in and day out. He's been gone almost 18 hours so far... and he nEver once complains. How did I get so lucky? I know a lot of mean that work 40 hours a week and never once help around the house or with the kids. Not Jeremy, he works 60-80 hours a week and still helps with the laundry or dishes or bedtime routine, he still does practice drop off/pick ups and doesn't miss a football game.

I've struggled with who I am as a person in the past. What is my purpose? Why am I here? All I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom, I never thought "oh I'm going to be a teacher!!" Or had dreams of becoming something. Just a mom. That's all I wanted to be. I am a mom. But not just a mom. I am a mom that is blessed beyond measure. I am a mom that is undeserving of this life I have here. I am a mom of so many. I am a mom of boys. I am a mom of an adult and an infant and many in between. I am a mom, a blessed, lucky, loved, mom.

Thank you boys for making me THAT mom, I love MY team!